Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
