and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
she smelled like a LAN party
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
