Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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