ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
