Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
