sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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