God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
