I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
This toilet bowl is my home.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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