we should wear snuggies to the strip club
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
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You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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