i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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