woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
