There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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