are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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