please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
