I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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