I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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