Swine flu is the new snow day.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
