She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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