Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
