i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
