The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
