what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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