I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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