Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
