I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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