Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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