my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
