My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
