at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
