She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
