I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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