Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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