your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
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