Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
