Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
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he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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