Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's like God shit irony all over that family
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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