I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
