And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
