can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Where are you guys?
Drunk
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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