nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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