Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize