i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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