Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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