Can i not drive my cunt home
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
