Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Randomize
