I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
