I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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