Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Your dad touched me again.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
