its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
