We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
