I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
