yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Is Oprah even human
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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