I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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