If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
