so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
