i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I am naked and annoyed.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
