tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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