Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
