Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
