Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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