dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
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apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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