I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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