I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
